During this time, as many of us are isolating, social distancing, or your descriptive word of choice, life is different. We have all been forced into a place that is unfamiliar and uncomfortable. In my instance, I am now a full-time working mother, a full time stay-at-home mom and a Kindergarten teacher. Thus, compliments of Covid19, I share with you my chronicle of going crazy.

As you may or may not know, I work for an advertising agency. I work with an amazingly creative group from all over. They ensure we maintain some normal, are challenged, and are not affected by the lack of social interaction. One way they do this is by presenting a weekly creative exercise to stretch our minds and provide an outlet for thoughts and feelings. These activities range in scope, but this week, it was right up my alley. The creative challenge this week is to write about our experience and what we are feeling during this time. This is a good kick in the butt for me to post.

For those who may not be familiar, I invite you to visit my About Me page. In short, I am a single, working mother of a 19 year old son, Brennan, and a six year old grand-daughter, Kinley, who I have due to my daughter Makenzie passing away five years ago. Under normal circumstances, life can be chaotic and trying. In today’s environment, life has become about trying to maintain sanity.

What I’ve Learned in 20 Days

As of this post, I have been home (as in, at my house) since March 13, 2020. I have been home for 20 days. The few exceptions include a trip to get bread, a Sunday drive with my six year old, and a trip to find milk. I have spent less than .5% (as in 1/2 of 1%) of my 480 hours social distancing outside of my home. Luckily, we have enjoyed time outside in our yard, on our deck, etc.

I have learned several really important things during this time. First, my mother was right! Mothers are often right, and one thing I can verify is no matter what, a child will never have a more urgent need to tell you something than the moment you shut the bathroom door. There is a mechanism in children that triggers their mind at that exact moment. Perhaps this theory triggered Pavlov to conduct the salivation test with his dogs. I’m certain it’s the same theory. This may be jest, but is regardless true!

Second, we are a nation divided. Even in trying times, there are such strong dividing factors that even a crisis doesn’t overcome the hurdles. Examples I’ve witnessed include religious, political, the severity level of Covid19, “facts” stemming from Covid19, and among families. As this is overtly obvious, I won’t focus this post there. However, I do encourage each of you to become more aware. Is this the time when we can learn to disagree without destruction? Can we finally just agree to disagree and move forward rather than tear down those who think differently?

Thirdly, and probably the hardest lesson I’ve learned, is that stay-at-home mothers and teachers are indeed under valued. At the end of each day, I am mentally and physically exhausted. In fact, yesterday I broke. While on a video call, breaking up the dogs in their toy/food fight, Kinley whining because she was bored, and the amount of work I faced, I wondered how to survive the day. I literally spent the entirety of the afternoon fighting back tears at how overwhelming everything felt at that time. Alas, today is a new day, and I am in a better place, but it did teach me a final lesson.

I have learned I am not taking care of myself, and that is more important now than ever. It is time to admit all of this is a lot. This is true for everyone, and by no means is my circumstance worse than any other. However, each circumstance is different, and thus the level of difficulty or perceived difficulty is different. These last two lessons will be my focus for this article.

Chronicling My Crazy

As a person who normally works full time outside the home, the transition has been stressful. I normally enjoy working from home due to increased productivity, but with a six year old who needs to complete her Kindergarten work, it’s not easy. My calendar now includes, math lessons, reading, online tutorials, and a reminder to email the completed work. Aside from that, there is gym, art and music. All of these are scheduled in around work meetings. This means my day doesn’t end until around 8 pm now, at which point, home life takes over. I cook dinner at 8:00, and as soon as we finish I send Kinley to get a bath while I clean up the kitchen. Her bedtime has shifted from 8:30 to 9:30. Once she is in bed, I return to work to plan tomorrow. Sometime around 10:00 p.m., I finally sit down for a minute.

As a single mother, all responsibility is on me. I have a great network of family and friend support, however, with social distancing, I am not seeing them at all outside of video calls. Prior to this, I visited my parents every day. This means there is no break from any of this for me. There is no one to keep Kinley for awhile, no where to take her other than on a walk where she can’t stop and play with friends or at the park. There is no trip to the store just to wander around. This is 24/7, at home trying to maintain sanity. It’s difficult. It’s trying. It can be overwhelming.

Yesterday when I reached a point where I could not wait for a call to end so I could take a shower just to cry, I knew I needed to take better care of myself. I know I’m not alone in these feelings. The part I struggle with is the guilt.

I feel guilty for needing a break. There is guilt over being impatient with a six year old who just wants my attention. I feel guilty that I can work from home and am struggling when so many have lost their jobs or are essential and facing a whole different type of stress. Guilt over feeling overwhelmed by the 24/7 nature of parenting when others have had to send their children elsewhere because they need to isolate from their families plagues me. I feel guilty that I look at the backdrops of co-worker homes on calls and wonder why the hell my house isn’t that nice. Most of all, I feel guilty for stopping to give Kinley the attention she wants, and I feel guilty for not stopping to give her that time.

While I don’t think I’m abnormal in any of this, it still stresses me. I’m sure many others feel the same way. I am experiencing a higher level of stress than normal, and I need to take care of me. My goal is to find time to do that in the day. Even if a 15 minute break is all my schedule allows, I am going to find time to shut down and turn off to reset my mind.

What Comes Next

I am not sure anyone really knows what comes next. I hope it’s acknowledgement of the importance of self care, appreciation for teachers and moms, thankfulness for frontline and essential workers, and unity. This circumstance has given us an opportunity to return to things long neglected. Many of us have eaten dinner around the table as a family more than we have in years. Some of us have learned more about our families and children because of the amount of time we’ve spent together. Some may have found new hobbies. There are positives to come, and though there have definitely been negatives, I hope the positives last.

For me, I am going to have to figure out a way to better care for myself. Mental health and mindfulness are important, and I’ve not paid enough attention to those things. I have seen many recommendations on ways to calm your mind. One I’ve really enjoyed (again, compliments of working for an amazing agency) is Headspace. It offers a variety of activities to help you re-focus, regenerate, and ideally, get into a better mental place. There are plenty of others, but this is one I have used. And, as an aside, this is a personal blog. I do not receive any compensation for links or referrals. I’m simply sharing a website that I have found beneficial. A quick Google search of mindfulness brings up a plethora of websites, so hopefully, there is something for everyone.

We are living history. We are living in a stressful time, and we need to take care of ourselves so we can embrace our last second chance to make a difference in our approach to the future.